Looking for the best but expecting the worst

The guns are roaring but the music goes on

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:36:38 GMT

* Black Kids- Hurricane Jane

Soko- Take My Heart

Late of the Pier- The Bears are Coming

Pete and the Pirates- Knots

Band of Horses- Is There A Ghost

Why we fight

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 12:17:22 GMT

This was posted on the Israeli website ynet.co.il. This is a personal commentary that Ive translated for you. I think that it represents the opinion of a vast majority of the Israeli public:

Israel's Moral Problem, by Ronen Shoval

The political objection to the operation in Gaza, home and abroad, is mistakenly displayed as a moral objection. But as a matter of fact, the objection to Israel's right of self-defence is completely immoral.

The post-modern moral presents the question of who is weaker and who has the more casualties and that is how it demermins its moral position in regarding the question of who is the right one. The world, that sees itself as an enlightened one, seens no moral difference between the Israelies and the Palestinians and only asks how many were killed. This dangerous distortion of this attitude lies in the relativity that wishes to put the victims of terror and its perpetrators on the same pedestal. Benjamin Netanyahu was asked by a British reporter how is it that Israel has only few casualties while the Palestinains count them by the hundreds. So, this is not a question of moral but one of numbers.

The argument of the proponents of this method, according to which one should justify the moral of results (who has the highest number of casualties) and not the moral of intentions (Killing vs. murdering, the right of a state to defend it's citizens vs. the attempt of a systematic murder of citizens), assists with the blurring of the moral differences between these who attempt to destroy Israel and the struggle of self-defence. This moral relativism ties the hands of Israel and allows the continuation of terror.

The moral duty of the Government and the IDF is to stop the firing of the Qussam rockets completely. In this operation the moral test is the intentions test (IDF's effort to only harm terrorists) combined with the results test: Will the operation stop the Palestinian war crime. If we could manage killing all 15K Hamas terrorists while reducing the harm to the citizens to the minimal possibility, than nothing would be more moral than that. We must do our best to avoid the harming of citizens, but not at the price of compromising on the achievement of the target. The target is morality itself and there for every action that would serve it's attainment is the moral action.

Sadly, our moral problem lies elsewhere. Every Israeli citizen knows that in the last few years Israel was deterred from an extensive military operation due to the fear of casualties while the residents surrounding the Gaza strip suffered daily from the shooting of Garades, Quasames and mortars.

The soldiers, whose job is to defend the country, became "our children" which we must defend at all costs. This frame of mind is a worrying one, but looking at the other side of the issue reveales an even more worrying frame of mind. While the decision makers in Israel are meticulous in avoiding risking the lives of the soldiers for the defence of the citizens, while the citizens of Israel actually become the vest that absorbs the fire instead of the soldiers, Israel refrains at all costs from risking the lives of the enemy's citizens, even when it comes to risking the lives of the IDF soldiers.

There is a complete moral reverse in Israel when it comes to the lives of men and their statutre. In a moral state that keeps its commitment towards its soldiers and citizens it would have been completely obvious that at the top of it's priorities lies the care for the security of the citizens, even at the cost of risking the soldiers. After that comes guarding the lives of the soldiers at the utmost effort during the military operation. Only after that comes the effort of avoiding the harm of the enemy's citizens.

In the present Israel the matters are turned over completely. In the First place: Caring for the security of the enemy's citizens, even when it comes to hurting the soldiers. In the Second place: Defending the lives of the soldiers even at the price of endangering Israeli citizens. And in the third and last place: Trying to defend the state's citizens, as long as the soldiers and the enemy's citizens are out of harm's way.

One cannot come to terms with a reality in which the citizens in the areas surrounding Gaza are being attacked constantly, even if it means that the IDF forces will be forced to fight and even get hurt.

One day im going to nail it

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:56:27 GMT

* Something's amazing has been happening to me recently. All of a sudden, without even noticing, my German is almost-almost-almost-but not quite there OK. Suddenly I can read texts, I can read internet pages in German, I can even understand most of the stuff that I hear in these classes of mine that are taking place in German. Ok, so the level of my understanding after checking with the dictionary is at 80-90%. But still... I always thought of the German knowledge growing inside me as a little child. Until recently I thought that this child is retarded. I guess that he has just been slow. Im still far from German university level. And I still got plenty of self-confidence problems when I try speaking German, its like I know the words but they all crumble inside my mouth before I spit them out. But im on the right way to somewhere, I can feel it.

* Hopefully some good personal news in the near future. Stay tuned.

Time has bridled us both but I remember you too

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:23:25 GMT

* Back to the journal.

* So things with Vicki ended. They ended in October actually. But maybe Ive got someone new but its too early to talk about it now. But things with Vicki are cool. We are good friends and 2 days ago we even went to the theatre together. I like the way it is between us, normal and not fucked up the way it is with Maya, which I decided to totally distance myself from.

* Other than that im keeping myself totally busy. Im still with that research group, im tutouring this little boy, working hard at the hotel and having all kinda projects. This school year is going to end real soon and I have to start thinking what im doing with this life of mine. When I get out of uni I want my CV to have a little edge over the others.

* I have to be in Germany next year, I just have to. Tomottow im just going to fill all the scholarships applications that I can get my hands on. So, wish me luck.

* Next I will update some more and be more specific.

Instead of writing a long and meaningful post, once again I post music videos

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:34:27 GMT

Which are pretty good this time, please appreciate...

* Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

Damien Jurado - Ohio

The Swell Season - Lies

Iron & Wine - Sixteen, Maybe Less

The Foals - Balloons

Dont leave home with out it

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:42:51 GMT

* Here is a short sample of the music that I just cant get enough right now. Just press play:

The Kooks- Sway

Mystery Jets- Young Love

The Hives- Tick Tick Boom

The Avett Brothers- The Love and Hate Ballad

Kaiser Chiefs- Never Miss a Beat

Zaguri Zaguri Zaguri

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:27:29 GMT

* The apartment shit just doesn't stop. Im stuck with a refrigerator that doesn't work, I don't have a closet and im living in total chaos. But this apartment is going to be the bomb. Its such a difference, coming from a cramped, crumbling apartment into a big place like what we have now.

* Feeling cleansed after Yom Kippur. I hope this feeling stays.

Still I need your sway, because you always pay for it

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:29:54 GMT

* I dont like the way that I have abandoned my journal. I dont know why, I guess its just lazyness. But this thing is important to me, its my therapy. So, on the occasion of the new year its time to write some things down. There are plenty of new stuff in my life, there are also some improved things and of course, the old shit is still here.

* New girlfriend- Her name is Vicki. We met at the university, we study together. Weve been dating in the last couple of weeks. She is a very sexy and a very sexual kinda person. I really think that I connect physically to her, she's a real freak when it comes to the bedroom. The thing is, she's not it. When it comes to knowing that im in the right kind of relationship, more or less, there are 2 signs: 1. The first thing that I think of the moment I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed is that girl; 2. At some time there comes a certain song in which I picture my girl inside that song. Like she is the person being addressed to in the song. (It happend before with the songs like "my most beautiful" by REM and "hachaim shemimoul" by Barry Saharof, "melech schelach" by Yizhar Ashdot and "Keren Shemesh Meuheret" by Schalom Chanoch and with many other songs, mostly in Hebrew) Anyway, these signs didnt occur yet and I have a feeling they never will. Another bad sign is that I really need to think hard of conversation topics when im with her. With Maya we could have talked for hours, I just felt like we had so much in common. But Vicky is different. She is so different than my regular type. I really dont go for the shoe-buying, nail-building girly girl. So why dont I cut it? Cause im a coward, plus I like the sex. And I do like to spend time with her. But I just know that this isnt it.

* New Apartment- Me and Hagar really upgraded ourselves this year. We really moved up so to speak, straight to the city center. We left our crumbling apartment and moved into this big apartment. We also had to find a new roomate cause its a 3 bedroom. We find this guy called Ofer, seems like a nice quiet guy. This years selection hasnt been so good. About the apartment. Pros: prime location, weve got everything (and I mean everything) under our house, something that I have never experienced before, its big, weve finally got a living room, and the apartment is in a much better shape than the old one, and the rent is lower, I even get 100$ per month from the government for living in the city center! Cons: The building doesnt have any character, its just this big high rise, the fee for the house committee is pretty steep (200 NIS per person per month) and the worst part is the apartment is empty and we need to fill it somehow.

Job- I want to quit my job here at the hotel. I want to do something else. And I also want to make a lot more money this year. The only way Im willing to stay here is if I find some kind of a translation job which I can do while I work here.

Thats it for now. I hope that I can use this momentum to write more.

It just comes and goes

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:11:44 GMT

* What is it with Arabs and tractors? The last incident happend right outside where my former office is. Yeah, that makes life so exciting. That and driving with my bus right outside the hotel where Obama is staying.

* Just came back from seeing Waltz with Bashir:

The animation was amazing. The movie itself was shaking. War is such a bitch. Cant beleive that our soldiers just stood aside and watched that happen. If I were there, I would have probably done the same thing. But still... I feel so lucky that I was never caught up in such a war. Even though still got 15 years of finding myself in that kind of situation. This movie is problematic since it pretends to be a documentary even though its not. But it is important to reflect on these times.

Nasty Panda

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:45:16 GMT

* Today I came from a couple of relaxing days in my mom's house. Didnt do anything productive. Just filled my batteries. The Euro final was wonderful, made a 100 NIS thanx for that Torres goal. I needed the rest after that horrible day I had on Thursday. Which was one of the worst days I ever had. It started when I found a dead gecko in our kitchen. Afterwords I took one of the worst exams in my life. It was in German. There were times before that I felt like I didnt perform well in an exam and still got a descent grade. This was not the case. I panicked, I blacked out and it totally took me by surprise. The truth is that I didnt prepare myself well for that exam. Im gonna take the make up test which just piss me off since it complicates and already complicated enough month. In Israel, we call it the need of getting yourself slapped, to get you back to reality. I just hate that I have to learn like this. And after that horrible experience I came to an empty home with only two insolent cats as company.
Man, all I want to have is just one good day, thats all. That would last me for such a long time.

* So this upcoming month is going to be a bitch. Ive got the exam, and after that more exams. Worst part, we have to find an apartment. No idea how were gonna pull that off. And the worst worst part, dont wanna be alone. Dont wanna think of Maya no more. I need an exorcist. I need to get her out of my head, even if that means cracking my skull.So, its time to roll the sleeves, pull my head out of my ass and to do it the only way possible, like a rhino charging a wall.

* A friend of mine from school, Aviad, is writing a pretty good indie music blog. nastypanda.com . Check it out. Even though its written in Hebrew, the bands names and their songs are written in English. Expand your horizons.

Happiness is a warm gun

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:20:15 GMT

* It comes and goes. It really does. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like shit. Like now for exemple. It just keeps being hard and it feels like it aint gonna stop. Im just.. I feel like im stuck in this shitty town, alone, supposedly making something out of myself. I dont know. Happiness is so elusive.

* For a second there I really thought that Maya was out of my head. But she's not in my head. She's strapped hard in my damn ego. It started to feel like she is becoming a fixation. I could have been much easier if I didnt have to see her around campus. Feels like Ive been playing hide and seek with so many girls over there. But not with this one. I just cant be beaten to the ground everytime a relationship of mine ends. Im fucking 25 already. I even talked to her on the phone, just so she wouldnt become a ghost of mine. Just to make me realise that she is just a person again, and a fucked up person. But now, I see some new photos of her on Facebook and its all coming back to me. The easiest solution is drinking, but Ive got an exam on Thursday and I got to prep myself for that. So, I guess that I just got to hold it together.

* And even though there was a brief orange light in my life, it was cut short too soon:

"Das ist egal, was hast du gemacht, wir können hier bleiben, und diese nacht fertig gemacht"

Back in black

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:18:33 GMT

* Yep, its been a while. But the hardest step in coming back is making the first post. So here it is.

* Im single again. It didnt work with Mia and me. I guess we were just too different. It didnt bother me, I mean, I dont wanna date myself, but it bothered her a lot. Im an open person, when someone annoys me I try to sort it out instead of automatically accommodating myself to others' demands. And she is a fragile, timid person who is really far from being assertive. And for the last 2 weeks of our relationship instead of getting it out on the open, she just acted like a total bitch. She didnt let me touch her and acted nasty to me. So in the end I just had to yank it out of her. And thats what bothers me the most, that because of that behavior I can't remember anything but the bad stuff. I just cant remember the good things that we had. And thats why im still angry at her. And I still miss her. Time heals, time makes you forget, but she's still on my mind...
So I need to find me a new bitch

Wraith pinned to the mist and other games

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:24:57 GMT

This is the the shit, by Of Montreal

Man, Ive just finished being sick after 5 long days of staying at home. During the weekend I was really sleep deprived and I guess that something used that in order to jump on my ass and take me down. Its not like I was in pain, I just had a fever and was constantly weak. Still am. Well, its all about getting better now.

Me and my woman

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:51:32 GMT

Your'e my no. 1 guy

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 18:15:42 GMT

* There is this college in the south of Israel that the Palestinians started bombing daily now. Or studies there. Everything is so fucked up there right now. And it just pisses me off that our government does nothing about it. I mean, it does do some things but these things dont stop the rockets. But what pisses me the most is that it seems like the government is willing to take it as long as its the people of Sderot that are hit cause these are people with a very weak political force and are from a low socio-economic background. We all know that it would be a totally different thing if a missle would have hit Tel Aviv. The people of Sderot are citizens just like the rest of us, the pay their taxes and they go the army just like the rest of us, and they shouldnt suffer from any double standard.

* Maya is amazing. Ive never been in a relationship with such a kind and understanding person. For exemple, she read about the rocket that hit my friend's college and she came up and asked me if my friend is ok even though she never met that person before! That really impressed me, it shows great character. It feels so good to be no.1 for someone like her and I just hope that I can be what she deserves. The walls that Ive built around me wont come down easily, but I am prepared to let her in.

I give it to you if I could, but I borrow it

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 19:30:58 GMT

* Today I had my first exam for this year, in political economics. Went like shit which really pisses me off for a number of reasons: 1) I gave myself plenty of time to study for it (3 whole days) which I didnt use well; 2) Should have found someone to study with, that could have been real useful. Sometimes my misanthropy really comes back to bite me in the ass; 3) I didnt keep with the course's schedule.
So the exam was tough and I honestly dont know how well I did. Thank god for make up exams.

* Things with Maya are going well. I didnt have a chance to see her since I was studying and the weather has been shitty. But it really seems like she is into me. I just cant stop with the pessimistic thinking, like when I call her and she doesnt answer I immediately think that she is screening me, when in fact she is just at work or something. Its like im waiting for it to explode, like im waiting for something to screw up. Like I cant believe that im worth having something as good as what seems to develop between the two of us. Cause it seems like she is everything Ive been looking for. Thats why im taking it so slow between us... OK, no more negative thinking from now on...

Do it again

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:13:01 GMT

* Oh man, the date with the 28 year old was horrible. I think that the only reason I wanted to go there was to see how she looks like cause I couldnt remember. She was so boring, and she told the most non-funny jokes ever. The kind of jokes that u want to cry from and smack your forehead. She wasnt attractive, she had no ambitions, she didnt have a degree and I doubt it if she had ever been to the army. She even showed me pictures of her dog. So in conclusion: NO! NO! NO!
And it got me thinking that maybe this is how my life's gonna turn out maybe 5 years from now, going on blind dates and meeting desperate women like that one. And after a period long enough I would finally settle for less and actually start a relationship with a person that I can stand. Thats scary.

* And after that I just cant wait until I see Maya again. My basic instinct is to call her all the time, but when it comes to relationships, sometimes u got to fight your instincts.

Take me home, Mozes

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 08:39:21 GMT

* 2 days ago after work I went to this wedding which was located in the great synagouge here in Jerusalem. My uncle was there and it was a wedding of religious zionits nationalists or whatever u call them in English. It was the first time that I was in a wedding like this. Man, these people sure know how to party. Its hard to believe that its all natural for them and that they are not on drugs. They were breakdancing, dancing with hats on fire, their volume of happiness was phenomenal which no secular wedding can amount to that.

* Well, Maya called me 2 days ago. Well, fuck me sideways, I guess she really did had to study and it wasnt just an excuse not to see me. So yesterday we met and we went and had a chai. We had a nice evening and this time she gave me a sense of continulity. She is just what Ive been looking for. She is pretty and she is intellegent. And thats important because I just cant be with a dumb person, no matter how good she looks. Im just afraid to fall down cause everytime im falling down, I fall to pieces. And I just cant see the strengh in me to pick myself up again like it happend with Galit last year. Maybe thats why I try to take it slow this time. And I got to stop with this negative thinking, I got to be aware of self-fullfilling prophecies. I just hope that it would work out.

* Im gonna meet up with the 28 year old tonight, even though it is clear to the both of us that its gonna be a one time thing. I just feel that I need to meet this person face to face, like I might learn something important that I dont know already.

It's a daily war

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:41:30 GMT

* I may not always know when someone shows interest in me but Im sure as hell know when someone loses interest in me. So, I called Maya and asked her if she's coming to that party weve been talking about. Suddenly, she has to study. I understand why people act this way, its way more easier than just saying "no, thank you, im not interested in u anymore". I think that this is the same way that I would have acted. But still... it sucks. Atleast it didnt come as a surprise to me, cause that lame kiss we had kinda said it all. Fuck her, moving on. I aint even gonna try again with her, no use.

* I said before that its always good to have a plan B. Well, plan C came first. I did go to that party and I drank like a spider monkey. I had a hellish day in the hotel, worked for 15 hours, 10 of them I was on my feet cleaning. I needed to let go of some steam. So I just became shit-faced with alcohol. I had a good time. So, when it was over I picked up the bus back home. During the drive I was making eye contact with this girl, I dont remember what I said, I barely recall how she looked like. Anyway, before I went off I just told her to look me up at my hotel.

* I completely forgot it the next day but she did call the hotel. Which was an amazing thing by itself. It seems that she is 28 and she thought I was older. Anyway, she is so not the girl for me. She doesnt drink, doesnt smoke (nothing) and doesnt go to bars. She likes to go to coffee places and just to have coffee. She is "naturally high" (I wanted to headbutt her when she said it). Talking to her really made me feel like im having a substance use problem. I tried to tell her that we dont fit but she was persistent. Thats so sad cause im sure that if she was 23 she wouldnt have lower her standarts when they dont fit with their principals. Do girls that age really become desperate? Im going to meet her on Wendesday but I aint gonna get myself into something that I cant get out of. I just wish I could remember how she looks like.

Coming back to life

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:49:23 GMT

* So I met this girl that studies with me, called Maya. It seems that weve been studying together for the past year and a half but we never talked before. I dont quite mix with my fellow students, dont know why, but im trying to change it. Anyway, she's really smart and pretty and I felt a good vibe about her, still do. So we were talking for the past week and a half and last night we went out after I finished working at the brothel which is my work.

* The date was ok. No akward silences. Like I said, she is really smart and we have a lot of things to talk about. But there was one thing that annoyed me, she constantly played with her hair. Now, im not an expert but I know that this means that someone is nervous. And I dont like making people nervous. Plus, her voice is kinda annoying. But I aint gonna be picky.

* The date was over and I walked her home. I gave her a kiss but it felt like all she wanted was to break away. That sucked cause I really began enjoying kissing her. And I dont think that I had a bad odor or something cause we both drank Guinness before that...

* I didnt call her today, im gonna call her tomorrow. This is a very delicate game of rope pulling...

* Lara told me that she doesnt think that we should see each other anymore. Told me that it wouldnt be fair for the new girl. I really didnt understand her at first but I pressed her. Then she told me that she started to develop feelings for me. Thats all I needed to hear and just told her that if she cant be aplatonic with me, than we are better apart. New girl or no new girl, I aint gonna complicate myself with Lara again, the sex with her just aint worth it. Plus, I dont want to cheat her and getting her into something that aint gonna be real.

* So... Even when u think u got it, u still dont. Man, I have a curse on me when it comes to girls. Thank god for having a plan b.

Back in the days

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:40:55 GMT

* Im working like a real fucking donkey these days. We are short of staff in the hotel so I work almost everyday and every weekend. Which is good cause I need the money. But im getting real sick of the place by now.

* The snow was amazing. Felt like we are living in a normal country for just a second now. Even though I was probably the only idiot wishing it wouldnt rain on Thursday. When it snows the city shut's down and I really wanted to meet this girl I study with. Now I have to wait till Monday. I suck when it comes to momentum.

So much trouble in the world

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 07:41:48 GMT

* The strike is over. I thought it would be like standing in front of a real shit storm but actually it wasnt that bad. Actually, some of the courses that im taking are quite interesting. And since a couple of courses that started on time are ending right now, it means that some of the pressure is off. The really bad news is that my last make up exam could take place on the 28th of September, which means that I can pretty much forget about any kind of summer vacation. Well, we did come to this world to suffer.

* All and all, I feel ok I guess. Hopefully some good news, coming soon. Hey, we may even get some snow today.

Dirty Wings

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 11:25:09 GMT

* So, George Bush is visiting the city. Now, how lucky are we. As much as im excited by the fact that his presence is only 10 minutes away, his visit reins a shitstorm on us, residents of Jerusalem. I can ignore the fact that the streets are filled with US flags. I mean, this is already an American city. I can swear that I hear more English on the streets than Hebrew, all the real-estate signs are in English and the Americans walk here like they own the place (which they actually do). Since I moved to Jerusalem my xenophobia changed from being Russian-focused into being American-focused. So, the worst part about the visit is the blocking of many streets while his majesty travels our fair city. I have an exam tomorrow (8:30, political economy, dont know shit) and I have no idea what will happen on the roads. Ill just leave early and hope for the best. If I lived infront of the president's residence I would have hung a large flag of Mexico, just to spite him.

Taking one for the team

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 21:54:58 GMT

* Im in this dormant status. I just have so many things to do and I just dont do them, I just let them accumulate. My time is just being consumed by doing nothing that important. And this strike is just so fucking awful. I just cant go to school anymore, while im attending my first class at 8:30, and then do nothing between 10 and 2:30 pm. It just blew away any motivation that I have for making an effort. And now they are suppose to end the strike any time soon and to somehow stuff a whole semester into 10 days. I feel like im standing in front of a dam that is about to burst in any minute and preparing myself for the moment when my ass will be flooded.

* Ive started watching Six Feet Under from the beginning. Ive seen it over the years but never wholly and Ive never saw the last season. Today I finished it. Man, the last episode just tore my heart apart. It just jumped into the future and showed the main characters moments of death. And it was just so fucking sad. Not just because of the deaths in the show, but it also made me think of my own death and the deaths of these that surrounds me. I just cant get the last episode out of my mind. I dont think that a tv show has ever effected me like this. And the worst part is that no one that I know watches this show, and I have no one to talk about it.

* Things I learned from working in the hotel: #1 - People from South Africa are the most incomprehensible people in the English speaking world. They talk as if they have got a sock stuck in their mouths!
#2 People from Hungaria dont know how to use an Israeli shower.

Also

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 21:26:12 GMT

* One of the nice things in working in a hotel is when the American tourists leave behind their magazines. So on Friday I read the December issue of Maxim and Ive seen something about Little Wonder:

Which was called in Israel "Yaldat Hapele". About a scientist that invents a robot in the form of a little girl and adopts it into his family. And when I saw that on the magazine it gave me a nasty flashback since I havent thought about it for more than 15 years. It feels really funny when something is being pulled out of the memory after so many years, so unexpectedly. Hope it doesnt cause any brain damage.